Year 12 English - Satirical Opinion Piece

By Pablo Paulsen | Posted: Wednesday September 26, 2018

“You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.”

This is a commonly used political satire phrase “you have two cows” which is used to describe different forms of political philosophies. The above quote is referring to communism. This quote shows how communism is obviously the best possible solution to many of our world's problems.

The biggest problem in the world is that rich people are too rich. Did you know that millionaires comprise only point-seven percent of the population of the world but own forty-five percent of the world’s wealth? This is not fair. Just because I am not smart and don't work hard does not mean that I don't deserve some of that money. I mean some millionaires did not do anything to earn their money. They are just lucky. Therefore, we need communism or at least socialism to take the people’s money from the rich.

This was done perfectly in 1917 when the Russian Soviet Federative Socialist Republic became the world's first constitutionally socialist state under the guidance of the great Lenin. All land was transferred to the peasant committees without compensation. These wise people understood that private property limits the potential of a productive society and that capitalism just consists of irrational activity. This solved the problem of wealth inequality, as everyone was equally poor because there were no rich people. Any people who were productive and became rich were later executed to make sure that everything was fair. We should do the same in New Zealand. Why should others be rich when I am not? This is not fair. We need to redistribute all private property in New Zealand to peasant committees, which I will be in charge of. You can trust me because I am honest, just like Lenin. He did not take advantage of any of these systems of stealing from the wealthy, sorry I mean taking back the people's money. No more wasteful industries or unnecessary profit for people who think they deserve it because they were educated or worked hard.

This brings me to the next reason we need communism. Obesity. Obesity is caused by evil capitalist corporations producing more food than we need. Obesity is wasteful of the earth's resources and is also deadly to the people affected by it. Thirty-two percent of our country is obese and this is even worse for minorities. Nearly fifty percent of Māori are obese and nearly seventy percent of Pacific people are obese. Adults living in deprived areas are 1.5 times more likely to be obese than adults living in the non-deprived areas and this number is even higher for poor children. They are 2.5 times more likely to be obese. This shows how unfair the system is in that it affects minorities and the poor more than the rich, who are responsible for making all of this excess food. These obese people are victims. They have no control over what they eat. I therefore propose we implement socialism.

Venezuela is a perfect example of how effective this is. Thanks to socialism, everybody is now equally poor and has lost an average of 11 kg of weight. This shows that if people don't have free will to do what they want, it is better for them. I mean, I know what is better for other people better than they do, so I should decide what they do.

One argument that is commonly used against communism is the fact that millions of people died in the Soviet Union but I am here to say that was not “real communism.” That was communism badly implemented as Stalinism. If I were Stalin, I would have done it better.